


Rook's List of Things You're Not Suppose to do in a Cult Situation

by JadeSpeedster17



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Basically everyone in the game, Gen, Humor, Lots of shit happens, Rook is a bit insane, Shit happens with no laws, There is not a valid excuse for anything, based on Skippy's List, hints of some relasionships, so is everyone else
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-05-21 06:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14910383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeSpeedster17/pseuds/JadeSpeedster17
Summary: When there are no laws, a crazy cult owns the fucking place, and you've been tortured once or twice... shit happens.Rook, though the Deputy and kind of the unsung hero in most situations, isn't what everyone says he is. His friends know very well that there is a long list of things posted at Falls End that your 'Not Suppose' to do. Many of them Rook is the main cause of.And this list just keeps getting longer by the day...





	1. Rules 1 - 5

By order of the people of Falls End, and even majority of Peggies, this list is posted not only here at Falls End, but also at the cult church, the following rules are to be followed as the law here by all people, and we mean Everyone. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

1) You are no allowed to threaten anyone you don't like with Black Magic. (That means you Rook.) It doesn't help with these people already low sanity. - Grace  
1a. - You're also not allowed to challenge their 'disbelief' on such topic by asking for hair! - Grace

Rook glared at the peggie as she challenged him a bit, "Be careful or I'll use black magic to curse you!"

She looked at him wtih a scoff, "No such thing exists you idiot!"

Rook then grinned at that, "Then can I have some hair, if your so sure?" he asked holding out his hand. The women stuttered and paled, muttering small prays to the father. Her poor companions looked unsure how to react. Grace face palmed behind Rook, why was she friends with this idiot!?

2) You are not allowed to finish a sentence with 'in accordance to the prophecy' when talking to people higher than you. OR anyone in general. Like above, you are not helping the situation. - Grace

3) Please stop saying you purchased souls on 'government time'. I've gotten enough confessions and fears about that. - John Seed.

John stared at the man, "You what!?" before he could say anything, "No, I fucking heard you, but no one can purchase your soul!" this the the fourth one this week, who the hell was telling them this!?

Nick and Sharky somewhere were snickering with each other.

4) Stop trying to speculate the penis size of the Seeds and Rooks. Some things just need to stay unsaid. - Nick Rye  
4a) Just ask the Deputy if your really curious about the Seeds~ - Sharky  
4b) SHUT THE FUCK UP SHARKY! - Rook

5) Sharky, the words 'Is that Flammable' are not to be taken as a challenge - Marymay  
5a) In regards to that, I'd advise after hearing such words, run like the demons of hell are on your heels and dive for cover. - Rook


	2. Rules 6 to 10

6) 'Because the voices told me too' are not a valid reason to do it. - Joey 

Rook carefully scaled the rafters of the church. "Rook, what the hell are you doing!?" Joey yelled up at him as Grace, Nick, Hurk, and Joseph Seed watched from below. Joseph was there as it was his church the other was scaling with... was that Jacob's favorite knife?

Person in question on the church, Rook, looked at his co-worker. "I'm uh..." he paused for a moment, "Putting Jacob's knife on top of the church."

"WHY!?" Grace and Joey shouted together.

Rook grumbled something before saying after a moment, "Because the voices in my head told me to."

"THAT'S NOT A GOOD EXCUSE!!!" the women screamed.

Hurk hummed, "I don't know, in this place I'd say it is." the men nodded along with that.

7) If it makes you giggle for more then fifteen seconds. It's a bad idea! - Whitehorse  
7a) if it makes Rook giggle for more than fifteen seconds it's a very bad idea! - Joey  
7b) If it makes John/Jacob giggle at all, run. - Faith Seed

8) 'May the Devil have the utmost fun with you in hell' is not appropriate to say to anyone. - Rook  
8a) Didn't you shout that at some peggies yesterday? - Jess  
8b) That's not the point! - Rook

9) the phase 'Don't worry, eyebrows grow back!' is not an excuse for having burnt them off in the first place! - Jacob Seed

Jacob stared at his face as his eye brows were gone after a run in with Sharky and Rook. "YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!" he yelled turning angrily to them.

The two were sweating bullets as Sharky laughed nervously, "Don't worry, eyebrows grow back!"

"THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE HAVING BURNT THEM OFF MY FACE, MORON!" he yelled face turning red at that.

Rook grinned, "Head, just pull some hair off one of your 'pups' and glue it back on!" he said cheerfully. "Oh shit... RUN!" he yelled as Jacob screamed in fury and ran after the two.

10) You are not to describe John as 'Jacob if he nice and ate his greens as a kid' to new members. - Joseph Seed  
10a) WHO FUCKING SAID THAT!? - Jacob Seed  
10b) Who do you think? - Joseph Seed


	3. Rules 11 to 15

11) Crucifixes do not ward off VIP Peggies, and I should not test this. - Rook

12) Rook, stop waving your had at some members and say 'These are not the humans you are looking for' when you do 'save' people. It's starting to scare and confuse them. - Joseph Seed.

13) Preaching about 'Cthulhu' to the masses was only funny the first time, Hurk, Jess, and Sharky, now your just pissing off the Seeds. - Pastor Jerome

14) This resistance already as enough reasons, or at least reasons for them, to keep attacking all we've worked for brothers and sisters, please stop antagonizing them further. - Joseph Seed.  
14a) Define 'Antagonize'. - Jacob Seed

15) Two drink limit does not 'first' and 'last' - Marymay  
15a) Or two kinds of drinks. - Pastor Jerome  
15b) Or drinks as large as you like. - Joey


	4. Rules 16 - 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got some funny suggestions, and read through some fanfiction to bring you guys these.

16) Just because you can hug Cheeseburger and Peaches dose not mean every animal is that friendly. - Kim Rye   
16a) Rook, stop trying to pet the wolverines, I don't want to have to patch up you again! - Joey ((BlueEyedArcher))  
16b) They are not part of the X-Men! - Joey

17) Jaws does not live in Drubman Marian, stop telling them that Rook! - Faith Seed  
17a) Same goes for the Mothman 'sightings' my people keep telling me about! - Jacob Seed ((BlueEyedArcher))

18) 'Because the beer told me too' is not a good excuse either. - Marymay  
18a) I disagree, when the beer says so, it's going to be fun. - Rook  
18b) It's not fun when you find you best friend half naked and in a rather odd place. - Grace ((LittleBiscuit))

19) I'm not allowed to walk into a place messily drunk in half a Peggie uniform. - Rook  
19a) Even if I saw Burke do it first. - Rook

20) Do not drink three quarts of red food coloring, then scream during a urine test. - Rook  
20a) You really shouldn't be doing that at all! - John Seed  
20b) What about with blue food coloring? - Rook  
20c) Technically speaking, you did take Bliss as some point. - Hurk


	5. Rules 21 - 25

21) The proper way to respond to the Marshal or Sheriff is 'Deputy Rook reporting for duty, sir!' not 'You can't prove a thing!'. - Rook

22) Putting mike red and green candy in a bottle then eating them in front of John Seed is not funny. - Rook  
22a) I now wish they were real medication. - John Seed  
22b) What the HELL made you think that was a good idea!? - Jess  
22c) Someone mentioned it, I giggled, so decided to ignore a rule and do it. - Rook

23) I do not have the right to strip search anyone. - Rook  
23a) No comment for that John? - Sharky  
23b) ... - John Seed

24) Men do not get that 'time of the month', Hurk. - Pastor Jerome

25) Next person who says 'you look a little green' is getting shot! - Jacob Seed  
25a) I second that notion. - Rook


	6. Rules 26 - 30

26) You're not allowed to sell guns to Peggies for beer or drugs. Seriously guys, we need to keep our guns! - Grace  
26a) But I need my beer man! - Sharky  
26b) Then just get Rook to take them out and steal it dumbass! - Marymay

27) Please stop convincing the masses that John is possessed by a demon. - Joseph Seed  
27a) Also convincing them that Joseph is wrong and that this demon inside John is a tricky one. People are getting really paranoid around him. - Jacob  
27b) DAMN IT ALL, who the hell told them to start shouting exorcism lines at me!? - John Seed ((BlueEyedArcher))

28) Vodka, green food coloring, and Cool Mint Mouth Wash is not a good combination. - Hurk

29) Faking Demonic Possession is not funny around the Seeds, that means you Rook. - Kim Rye  
29a) How was I to know they'd believe that I was really possessed? - Rook  
29b) Because you are. Don't worry Deputy, we will help you! - Seed Family

30) Bond fires of classified material is not to revel anything, therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. - Nick Rye


	7. Rules 31 to 35

31) It's a bad idea to put extra-strength Icy Hot on a 'piss-bottle' or bucket, or even the toilet seat itself. - Nick Rye & Rook

32) Shouting “Let’s do the town! Let’s do the whole fucking town!” while out on a mission is bad. - Rook  
32a) So that's why people came running to the church scared. - Joseph Seed

33) No one is interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. - Rook

34) I'm not allowed to sell pornographic films to anyone. - Rook  
34a) Even if they are exceptionally patriotic. - Rook

35) I should not take incriminating photos of the Seeds, and use them as blackmail. - Rook & Sharky  
35a) I should not fake the same with Photoshop. - Hurk & Nick


	8. Rules 36 to 40

36) It's not a good idea to liquefy any form of laxative and inject into people when they are sleeping. - Rook  
36a) That sounds like a great idea actually! - Jacob Seed  
36b) Your cleaning up the shit, not me. - Pratt 

37) 'I'm Drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed to me. - Rook

38) Do not attempt to try 'Sharky's Shaving with Fire'. - Hurk  
38a) I promise, it was just a small malfunction, and hair comes back Hurk! - Sharky  
38b) He looks like a messily shaved hair emo, Sharky - Grace

39) Do not throw snowballs at a helicopter - If you do, do not hit the windshield. - Rook

40) It is advisable to LEARN to drive a vehicle, before claiming you can use it. This is very true if it can take flight. - Rook


	9. Rules 41 to 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So far I'm really liking this idea, BTW, if anyone is wanting to use them for story ideas, you're welcome to.

41) Do not say to Rook or Adelaide “There’s not enough room to fly under that!" unless you want one of them to attempt it. - Hurk  
41a) Damn well proved you wrong! - Adelaide

42) Don't say 'Opps' when working with explosives, just to be funny. - Rook  
42a) Damn near gave me a heart attack! - Dutch

43) Do not spike people's drinks with Bliss 'Just to see what happens.' - Rook  
43a) Where did you even get the right dosage amounts? - Faith Seed  
43b) I didn't... - Rook

44) No part of my uniform or clothing is 'edible'. - Rook

45) Not allowed to label 'Book of Joseph' as a warfare weapons manual. - Rook


	10. Rules 46 to 50

46) Rook, your no longer allowed to give Jacob any more ideas. - Jess  
46a) Damnit... - Rook & Jacob

47) Pratt, Rook, please stop giving the Judges any form of dairy products, the smell is bad enough here. - Jacob ((BlueEyedArcher))

48) I'm not a ninja, and they CAN see me. - Rook

49) 'Don't ask, don't tell' is used as code for the gay guys, it is not, however, a good response to the Sheriff when you show up in your underwear to a meeting. - Rook  
49a) Who was the lucky guy? - Nick Rye

50) Not allowed the urinate messages on the ground for pilots to see. - Rook & Hurk


	11. Bloopers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When making something believable for the experience of a movie or game, it's hard to stay in character.
> 
> Just a small bonus scene.

*Take 3*

"And I experience pain after pain after pain-" John cut off and slammed the thing down, he mad ea sound at that, biting his lip as he smashed his finger. There was a snicker as Rook saw that.

John started to laugh also, "Ow..." he said as he waved his hand were his pinky was red a bit.

"Cut!" a person said with a small giggle.

-0-0-0-

Rook smiled at the camera, "I think my favorite scene is where I have to be in the bliss as Faith blows on my face and she then sneezed." he laughed, "It was nasty, but her expression was so funny." he said.

*Take 2*

"Welcome to the Bliss." Faith said as she went to blow some dust on the other's face. Until she sneezed by accident. 

In the background was loud laughs as she stare,d "Oh my god, I am so sorry!" she said quickly to a grimacing Room.

0-0-0-0-

"There was one scene where I had to play the role of the insane older brother. It's hard to see, but when I bent down to talk to the Deputy I actually had almost lost my balance." Jacob told the camera.

*Take 15*

Jacob went to start cranking up the music box. He started to twist the knob, but it just wasn't budging. The camera stayed on him as he tugged on the small winder. "It shouldn't be that f*cking hard." he said out loud as there was small snorts from Rook making the camera move. "Shut it pup!" he said with a small snicker himself.

He kept tugging until he huffed, "It's not working." he said to the other as he looked past Rook to the people behind him with a smile.

-0-0-0-0-

"As I played the Marshal," Burke said, "I had to play when he does the leap of faith, and I actually tripped a few times and looked like a fish floundering on the bag below." he told them.

"So many fond memories of that." Rook snorted a bit. 

Joseph looked at them, "Speak for yourselves." he told them, "At least you didn't have to play the role I did. It's hard to be serious all the time."

*Take 17*

Joseph reached out to grip the head set and pulled it over, but it wouldn't go any farther. "I think I need some slack." he said up top after some tugging with a laugh.

*Beep*

"Dispatch." he said into it.   
"Oh God..."  
There was was some silence after that, Rook staring at Joseph who opened his mouth a few times and closed it, "What was I suppose to say again?" he asked with a laugh.

 

-0-0-0-0-0-

"There is just too many rooms for mistakes here." Rook said with a grin.


	12. Rules 51 to 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I should really have ended this, but it's too fun.

51\. I am not in need of a more 'suitable host body' and I should stop telling people this. - Rook

52\. I should not call Sheriff Whitehorse 'Mom' - Rook  
52a. Should not call Marshal Burke 'Dad' - Rook

53\. I am not allowed to declare 'Jihad'. - Rook  
53a. I hope you know that that is. - John Seed

54\. Must not use vehicles to 'squish' things. - Hurk, Nick, Sharky, and Rook  
54a. Men... - Mary May

55\. Crucifying Mice - Bad idea - John and Rook

**Author's Note:**

> Have any suggestions you want me to put up, comment below. 
> 
> Based on Skippy's List: http://skippyslist.com/list/


End file.
